Muse

Robert Frost said, "Good fences make good neighbors". Having "good boundaries" is essential to having a good relationship with yourself and with others. Good, healthy boundaries naturally arise when you have unconditional positive regard for yourself (remember Carl Rogers?). Healthy boundaries help you be more empowered, more grounded, and more in your body. 

You can create better boundaries with the help of psychotherapy–changing how you think and feel about yourself. You can also directly address the source of boundary issues by working with your energy field. 

Boundaries refer to the demarcation of emotional and physical space between you and another person. Unless you are clairvoyant, you can't see a boundary because it is an energetic phenomenon.

Your boundaries are determined by the size, shape and quality of your chakras and the energy surrounding you, known as your electromagnetic field (EMF).

Your EMF holds the imprint of your past experience. 

If your physical space or your emotional well-being was violated when you were young, you probably have had trouble maintaining healthy boundaries and having healthy relationships.

A couple I see on and off for therapy–we'll call them John and Judy–provide a perfect example of how boundary problems manifest in relationships:

John's mother left him when he was a child. He developed intense abandonment anxiety, and copes by extending his second chakra towards others in a hyper-vigilant attempt to scan for danger (abandonment).

When Judy was young she had the role of caring for her mother's emotional needs. She took on her mother's emotions, and as a result developed an EMF that is porous and vulnerable to absorbing others' energy.

John's intrusive scanning feels controlling and claustrophobic to her, and she withdraws in an attempt to protect herself. Not surprisingly, her withdrawal triggers John's abandonment anxiety, which causes him to become even more energetically intrusive, and so on.  

As a child, John's ability to scan for signs of danger helped him feel safer in the world. He was attempting to make sure he would never again be abandoned by someone he loved.

John's EMF mirrors his hyper-vigilance. It both bears the reflection of his fears and causes his fears to be confirmed over and over. Women have repeatedly left John because his intrusiveness drives them crazy. 

Your boundaries are a manifestation of how you feel about yourself.

If you feel worthless, your boundaries may be too permeable and you may let others "walk all over you." Or, like John, you may be an unintentional boundary violator in the service of staying safe. 

You also may protect yourself with boundaries that are too rigid, which prevents you from being close to others. This is a "better safe than sorry" approach. 

Healthy boundaries create a contained space that is yours, while at the same time allowing you to stay connected to all that is–to the universe.

As the relationship with yourself becomes more respectful, your energy changes and your boundaries improve. 

Learning how to skillfully set limits with others is one way of developing better boundaries. Insisting that you be treated with respect is empowering. It is an act of self-care when you make it clear that you won't tolerate being taking advantage of.

Energy follows thought:  If you think "no, this is my space," you start to re-configure your EMF.

In addition to verbalizing cognitive intention, you can also work with your boundaries on an energetic level. This is known as "energy hygiene." (For more detailed instruction on energy hygiene skills I refer you to the teachings of Jill Leigh, founder of the Energy Healing Institute .)

Here are some points to keep in mind as you work on improving your boundaries:

1. If you aren't properly grounded you cannot have good boundaries. It takes practice to be grounded! For a simple grounding exercise see the earlier Muse posting, Getting Grounded, Staying Grounded.
2. To maintain healthy boundaries, you need a stable second chakra. This chakra bears the imprint of past traumas, and violation can cause it to lose form and integrity. When this chakra is too open you will feel and absorb everyone else's emotions and have difficulty keeping others out of your space. 
3. Learn how to take energetic ownership of your space. John Friedlander and Gloria Hemsher teach this process in their book, Basic Psychic Development (see page 12).
4. Engage in a healing process that specifically addresses your relationship with yourself. Working with a good therapist can help you on your healing journey.

Creating healthy boundaries takes time and practice. As your healing journey evolves and you develop unconditional positive regard for yourself, your boundaries will improve, and so will your relationships.

Bring compassion to all that you do, and have some fun while you're at it!

Be Well,

Rebecca

"Marsh" photo image by Jennifer Hopkins ( http://jenhopkins.com/about/artwork-2/ ) with a Creative Commons license.